‘Simplicity Parenting’ book review
Simplicity Parenting: Using the power of less to raise happy, secure children
Kim John Payne, Hawthorn Press, ISBN 9781912480036
In his book Simplicity Parenting Kim John Payne argues that the wealthy industrialised West is an increasingly hostile place for children and young people, albeit in far subtler ways than in other parts of the world. Building on his work with children in Asian refugee camps, Payne describes how youngsters in the United States and United Kingdom are showing signs of a ‘cumulative stress reaction’ to immersion in the ‘media rich, multi-tasking, complex, information overloaded, time pressured’ existence we now call normal daily life.
This is manifesting in all varieties of health problems. Payne asserts that in children if even moderate levels of excitement or stimulation become a permanent feature of daily life, never counterbalanced by interludes of peacefulness, predictability and even boredom, stress can act as the catalyst which turns what might have been only a quirk or tendency into one of the dreaded ‘disorders’.
Seen in this light, the solution becomes obvious. Stress reduction in the daily life of our children can be done by a process of ‘simplification’ in four key areas: the environment, rhythms, scheduling, and exposure to the adult world.
Modifying one’s physical environment is the most tangible and perhaps manageable step in the process of simplification. While acknowledging the pressures that are pushing them in the opposite direction, Payne urges parents to drastically reduce the amount of possessions their children have or have access to. Whether with toys, books, clothes or food, decreasing amount and variety in a child’s surroundings can help to instil the lifelong lesson that it is ‘relationships, not purchases, which sustain us emotionally’.
By gently turning our family’s attention away from the temptations of passive entertainment and instant gratification and toward more hard-won yet meaningful experiences, we encourage qualities and capacities that will be of both immediate and lasting benefit. The certainty of rhythms and rituals create ‘islands of consistency and security’ which punctuate the day and ground the child in space and time and within the family world. They are like the ‘place set at the table. An unquestioned invitation to participate, connect and belong’.
The same principles apply to how we organise and fill our children’s time. As with too many toys, too many scheduled activities can stifle a child’s ability to be creative, independent and self-motivated. We have become so busy ‘enriching’ our children we have forgotten to allow them free, unstructured time in which to discover what they really love to do. Here again, balance is the key concept. When it comes to our children’s schedules we must remember that, as much as programmed events can be ‘enriching’, the spaces in between them can be equally so.
Childhood is not a race to accumulate all of the consumer goods Iand stresses of adulthood in record time.’
In a chapter entitled ‘Filtering out the adult world’, Payne discusses how worry, always a part of parenthood, seems in the last few decades to have come to define how parents relate to their children. Anxiety sells, and it is being delivered right into the heart of our homes and bursting out of multiple screens all clamouring for our attention. The diet of fear and exaggerated risk to which so many of us have become addicted is compromising our sense of perspective, and that in turn is polluting the way our children see the world. ‘Too much information doesn’t “prepare” a child for a complicated world; it paralyses them.’
This fully revised edition of a book which a decade ago inspired a movement is very accessible and brimming with valuable insights. It will appeal to parents who are uneasy about the status quo but need practical suggestions for change. Likewise it will appeal to those dealing with specific problem behaviours but seeking a different set of answers from the conventional, frequently medication-based approach to child health. Payne’s observations and recommendations are made with great empathy and respect for the challenges parents face, as well as their motivations. Harnessing ‘the power of less’ is certainly an important step in re-attuning to the true needs of children today, to seeing the world from their perspective and ensuring that perspective is allowed to matter.
Maria Lyons